I can not count the amount of times I heard from both of my kids “but so and so’s mom bought it for her”, or “but so and so’s mom said it was ok”. I think when children hit a certain age, this phrase automatically enters their vocabulary. For some reason, children think that if another parent has allowed something, this automatically means that all parents should allow it. I can offer some suggestions to help combat the “but so and so’s mom said it’s alright:
1. Sometimes a discussion of the full picture is in order. For example, I remember being told that a particular child’s mom allowed a later curfew than I did. We then looked at the full picture. This mom also limited phone time, something I had not been doing. I actually asked my daughter if she wanted to stay out later in exchange for limited phone time for one week. Now the choice was hers. She decided to take the earlier curfew.
2. I really believe modeling what we teach is very important. One of my daughters would much prefer designer jeans over the jeans we always end up buying. While she can certainly tell me that so and so wears designer jeans, I can tell her that her own mom does not, and never did, and turned out just fine. As a mom I also do not rush to buy the latest fad being offered. So, when my daughter asks for the newest fad for herself I’m able to say no, and know that my actions match my words.
3. Sometimes our talks turn financial. If my child wants the latest fad, I make a suggestion that she contribute ½ the money. Very often this causes her to rethink how badly she wants the item. Sometimes I offer her the item in exchange for a month of doing the dishes nightly. Usually the item is not that important to be stuck doing dishes for an entire month.
Very seldom will I accept that so and so’s mom said it’s ok. I am not so and so’s mom and my child is not so and so. This friend called “so and so” has rules that perhaps we don’t have and I’m certain we have rules she does not have. I am very open to discussion and negotiation but not if they start with “so and so’s mom said it was ok”.
**** Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.todays-parent.com
